Do No Harm

Part of protecting my peace, and bringing back into focus the Do No Harm But Take No Shit, is remembering that the “Do no harm” also includes to myself.

I have kept mostly quiet about the bullshit that was dropped into my lap, uninvited, in August 2020. Even as I installed extra security on my home, as I talked to legal folks about what I could do.

Why? Because I’ve been stalked before. I’ve lived in that terror where you don’t know what these very clearly unstable people will do.

I have endeavored hard to take the high road. Not because it makes me a better person but because I had still been dealing with a lot of internalized bullshit regarding abusive behavior from toxic people.

But, it turned out, that in this case, it was doing me more harm than good. This person is blocked from my socials. They must go looking to see anything I say, and people talked about their refusal to stop stalking, move on, and get some legit form of mental health help. A lot of them, and on condition of anonymity because they don’t want to deal with this whole ass toxic mess who has been making it her whole purpose to stalk and harass me (and my friends).

When even your therapist is saying that sometimes you need to take off the gloves and put everything in the sunlight to disinfect, it’s something.

Despite the chaos around me, I’ve never given up on trying to keep my personal peace. I’ve stayed silent before to keep the peace for others, not myself. And I found myself wondering why the fuck am I doing this for people who are hell bent on destroying me… to not rock a proverbial boat? To not cause an uproar?

I am done. The gloves are off, and I am taking no more shit from anyone.

Testing, Testing, is this thing on?

Just wanted to test that this works before putting up the next bits.

Now, All Access, the normal vlog episodes, will be on YouTube, so make sure you’re subscribed here.

These episodes will not be there, ever. Mostly because I have been threatened with my channel being shut down, in what amounts to a harassment/smear campaign.

Radio Silence

It has been a hot minute since I’ve sat down to update here, and it’s been radio silence about a lot of creative things for me.

In part, this has been because of my own health – both mental and physical. But there have been a mess of other reasons why, and it is past time to be discussing them.

So, let’s just jump into things feet first.

My health – well, that’s been touch and go since before the pandemic made things go boom. Between severe pain taking away my sleep, to just my PTSD taking away my sleep, and sleep being the thing that helps me to function within the parameters of being a “responsible adult”… It was not a good scene for a long time. Thankfully, we’ve (we – my mental health doctor, my GP/PCP and myself) have found a solution that allows me to, most of the time, get sleep on a regular basis. Now I’m working on making my back, and overall self, stronger and healthier. It’s a process, and even if I am not disclosing what is going on, there are things happening.

I’ve had a mental block on writing for a long time now. Why, you ask? Well, some of that I’ll be dealing with in an upcoming podcast and vlog. Let’s just say at minimum that stress fucks my ability to be creative. I’ve found myself wondering if I should even bother continuing. I lost my connection to my characters, and any author will tell you, that’s dead frightening. I don’t want this to be a “pity me” moment. I want this to be a moment of clarity as to the external bullshit that has been taking a toll on me since July 2020.

So, that’s how things have been going. My stress level has been, overall, going down. There have been people who have gone out of their way to make sure that I know they care, and that they have and will continue to support me. Things don’t change in situations overnight, and that is what’s going on here.

I’m trying to get back into weekly or by-weekly blogging. I’m still working out details on more things, and that will be updated soon. I promise.

I intend for this to be the end of the great radio silence – the return of a new, better Amy.

At the End of Year… Looking back at 2021

So, here we are, starting down at the end of 2021 and the beginning of 2022.

We’re in the second year of a global pandemic. My own creative output has dropped, and being out of the ordinary for me, I have read ONE book this year. ONE.

It’s not that I haven’t had any ideas that I want to work on – I’ve had plenty. But, being able to do what needs to be done to get that into reality – friends, I am so tired.

My mental health has been at its best that it has been in a very very long time. I’ve found medication that allows me to sleep. So, why am I tired?

Like most of us, I am so tired of this pandemic. I want to visit friends who I haven’t seen in over a year. I want to not worry that every cough and fever isn’t a deadly virus that doesn’t give two shits that I am happy in life, that I am in most respects doing the best I have been in years.

I finally got set up for the podcast and started to record new episodes, but I had to deal with some epic construction disturbing my ability to record. Bass travels folks. Bass travels.

Beyond that tiredness, at the end of the year, looking back, I know I’m happy. I’ve accomplished the small goal of writing every night in a journal. I’ve put in over 1000 days on my language learning – and I’m getting quite passable at my Japanese.

I also am learning from this tiredness that is affecting everyone, that I need to rest. That going full tilt all the time, especially when you’re tired because of the continued stress of a global pandemic, isn’t wise.

I don’t set “resolutions” for a new year, but I will be looking at setting some broad goals this year.

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