Depression Archives — Amy M. Young

From The Abyss I Have Returned

“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”
Nietzsche

…if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you..

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and wrote anything here. It’s not because I’ve not wanted to, but more that I was overwhelmed. With what was I overwhelmed?

Well, where do I start? I’ve been working on podcasts and vlogs. They’re taking forever because of issues that aren’t on my end of things. I’ve finally gone back to working on my second book again. Things are going slowly, as we’re ever so slowly coming out from the shadow of the last three years of a global pandemic.

I’ve had extended family members, and others that I care about leave us way too early. I’ve had bullshit piled onto bullshit. Like the suggestion that my spouse should police my social media presence – and if you knew the posts that set that off, you’d go “Seriously?” because holy projection batman.

I had to put my own mental and physical health before anything. I’ve been in Rule 0 for a while, because of all the things that I’ve mentioned here, and more.

I’ve paused my educational goals for a while. I even stopped my creative hobbies because I just didn’t have the bandwidth for them.

I am still recovering from this, and one thing I don’t see me recovering is the fact that I’m at zero fucks given. I’ve given too many second, third and fourth chances to people in life because, well, because I wasn’t taking the advice that I should have from the late Dr. Angelou – when people show you who they are the first time, believe them.

So, while things are definitely going to change around here, I want to remind everyone that no one, absolutely no one, has the right to demand access to you. Both in real life and online. The “Take No Harm” part of what I live by means no harm to ourselves, not just to others.

Take care of yourselves friends, and I’ll see you next week.

Things I’ve Not Written On The Page…

It’s been a long time since I sat down and actually written something for the blog on the site.

Since my dog passed away, I have been doing a lot of soul searching, and trying to decide where I should be going next, what I should be doing.

My heart was shattered by the loss of that small, fuzzy, loving dog. More than I care to admit most days. With that happening and the fact that my father is still being treated for cancer, well, my heart is still hurting and it’s hard to focus some days.

Introspection can be a double edged sword, and I am definitely working on getting out of my own head and back into what really matters to me.

To answer the biggest question – will we see the follow up to A Desert Song?

Yes. I will finish the trilogy, but I am also going to be working on other things that I enjoy. You see, not to tell tales, but there was a point in life where I really enjoyed a lot of different creative endeavours, and after spending about two years being torn down by someone, I couldn’t really do much. I am thankful that I finished the bare bones of the book before this person came into my life, otherwise I’d still be trying to get it done.

I had a few years of one bad experience after another with people who had the same personality types, and issues, and I am finally making more progress. My mental health professionals are very pleased with my progress, and we’re making progress in other, non-related, areas.

I will be bringing my Vlog to the site soon. I encountered delays because of health issues – headaches from the bowels of hell are not really something that allows you to stare at a screen or have the bright studio lights on you.

But it was definitely time to let you all know that I’m back, and working. You’ll see the other things that I mention soon.

Life is too short for bad coffee and bad books

The past while I’ve taken myself offline for the most part. I needed to sit and think.

Something that came to mind was – life is too short for bad coffee and bad books, surround yourself with things that make you happy.

We’re in one of those periods where those of us who are afflicted with depression get hit hard again. Add onto that my body doesn’t work like it used to and I’ve been down in the doldrums for a while.

I just haven’t had the energy to even try to do anything other than exist. It didn’t help that the new medication I’m on that allows me to have a somewhat functional life had some nasty effects on me either. So I felt like a walking mess from the word go.

So, I took myself away from everything that bothered me, and then started paring back to what made me happy. I know for the last year and a bit I’ve been slowly giving up on what made me happy. I couldn’t really do anything when my pain levels were consistently at 7-8. Drawing? Not going to happen when my arms felt like they were falling off. Writing? Same issue. Getting back into yoga type exercises? Are you frigging kidding me?

All I had left was my books. If I were a dragon, I’d clearly be a book dragon, because I firmly believe that there is no such thing as enough books, just not enough shelving.

So I dove back into reading. Reading was the one thing that I had left that I could do that I enjoyed.

I haven’t had the easiest life. I also haven’t had the hardest life. But, at this point, I’ve made it this far, and there are too many people out there that I need to keep pissing off just by living and being happy. I am surrounding myself with things that make me happy, things that I enjoy.

Looking for direction

It seems to be this time of year.

I find myself in a mental quandary. I’m looking for direction from that lump in my skull. Sadly, all it does is remind me that I had so many ideas at one point, and right now, I’m so overwhelmed that I feel like I’m frozen and spinning my wheels.

You’d think that, by now, I’d have my life sorted. I have so many author friends who can write, and sometimes that is discouraging. It becomes a whirlpool of “why is my life so out of control now that I can’t do shit all??”, dragging my mind and spirits down with it.

This year, I’m trying to do things differently. I’m sitting down, and while keeping in mind that nothing is ever written in stone until you die, I’m making plans, and outlining how I’m going to get from point a to point b.

I am still working on my mental health. I’m still working on my writing, even if it’s slower than molasses uphill in March. But, I am providing my own direction, I’m providing my own push to get things done.

I guess I’m at the point where I have made peace with the fact I need lists. That my chronic illness has taken some of what I used to take for granted from me. I need to adjust my expectations. I have a child, who I would not trade for the world. Her needs come first. I’m working with my spouse to find a way to get some time daily to write. I also know that it’s not always going to work out the way I want. Hey, that’s okay. Until I die it’s never too late, as my friend Kittana reminds me.

Time to make my life into what I want it to be.

Planning gone wrong

So I have been gone for a while. It wasn’t planned. In fact it was completely planning gone wrong.

I couldn’t get anything together on time for multiple reasons. I swear that time seemed to vapourize when I sat down to do something, and then there were the million things that decided they needed attention right fucking now.

I’ve been having sleep issues yet again, but there is a difference this time. I’m working through it. I am getting better. I’ve been dealing with things coming up that have smacked me in the face from the past, and at this point, I really am looking at it as I’m not going that way anymore. Life didn’t turn out like I had planned, and you know what? That’s okay. It’s probably trite, but I don’t care – when you get dragged backwards, sometimes it’s because you are being launched in a different direction.

I am okay, actually, I’m better than I have been in a long while. Even if I have been stressed to the maximum, I am learning, I am getting healthier and I’m moving forwards. I’m learning to discard toxic relationships, and set my own boundaries — and I’m planning a brighter future for me and mine.