Boundaries Part One

Boundaries – what, why, and more…

Boundaries are especially needed for people who are kind-hearted and givers by nature, because takers will not generally have them, and when they encounter them, well, that in part is why I’m talking about it.

A reminder that I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist, that said – this is advice from my own life and experiences, and is not to be used as a substitute for actual mental health professional help.

What is a boundary?

When we’re talking about boundaries in mental health and psychology – it’s easiest to think of them as an imaginary line between you and me, a border between where my responsibility ends and where yours begins. Keeping that in mind when setting boundaries is important. You can set a boundary for what you personally will put up with – but you should not, and really cannot set one for other people’s behaviours.

Why are they important?

Boundaries are important for many reasons. They’re really not just buzzwords. As I said before – they’re a limit of what you will put up with, and it also can help you with not taking responsibility for other people’s actions – things that they need to take responsibility for. Sometimes this can be hard to do – I have said before and I’ll say it probably until I close my eyes for the last time – no one’s life or family is perfect – the only difference is that some do a better job of hiding the dysfunction. There are some people we just can’t rescue from their own dysfunction – and it’s okay to feel sad or upset about it. The reality is that unless someone wants to get help, wants to get better, they aren’t going to. It’s also where drawing a boundary comes in. It gives you a space where you can deal with your own emotions, needs, beliefs and opinions.

Creating Healthy Boundaries

Now, again, a boundary is a border between you and another person. It’s not meant to be used as punishment, even though there are people out there who do use it to punish others. The reality is that a healthy boundary is not an attempt to terminate a relationship, it’s a setting of guidelines to try to continue a relationship – be it familial, romantic, friendship, heck, even coworkers. For a lot of us, it’s hard to set these boundaries due to many things, we crave acceptance, and sometimes we’ve learned some maladaptive ways of dealing with that.

There are different types of boundaries – physical, emotional, time, material, sexual and behavioural – and a boundary can be in multiple categories.

Dominee does a great job of breaking them down here. If you like her stuff like I do, check out her site SelfLoveRainbow

As mentioned earlier, when we draw a boundary it’s for what we’re in control of – and that doesn’t include someone else’s behaviour. So, you can draw a boundary that you won’t engage with a behavior, as your actions are within your control. But you cannot force this onto another person – or it’s not a boundary, and it’s really headed into manipulation and abuse – it should go without saying that this is not something you want to do.

So, an example of creating a healthy boundary.

I do not like to be hugged or otherwise touched by people who I don’t know well. That is a boundary for me. Now, if you meet me and you haven’t read this, or any other times I’ve mentioned this, you won’t know. This is where stating your boundary is important. It doesn’t need to be expressed in a nasty fashion. If you were to try to hug me, I’m likely going to physically step back, and let you know. “Hey, I don’t like hugs from people that I don’t know well”, and offer to shake hands or fist bump.

Now, if you don’t respect a boundary, and we’ll continue with that example, and try to hug me, I will restate that I don’t like it, and if you continue to violate it, I’m going to remove myself from the situation, and you’re going to be added to a mental list of people I don’t want to interact with in the future.

So, that’s the first part… Next time I’ll be talking about The Consequences of Ignoring Boundaries: Why You Don’t Want to F*ck Around and Find Out.

From The Abyss I Have Returned

“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”


…if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you..

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and wrote anything here. It’s not because I’ve not wanted to, but more that I was overwhelmed. With what was I overwhelmed?

Well, where do I start? I’ve been working on podcasts and vlogs. They’re taking forever because of issues that aren’t on my end of things. I’ve finally gone back to working on my second book again. Things are going slowly, as we’re ever so slowly coming out from the shadow of the last three years of a global pandemic.

I’ve had extended family members, and others that I care about leave us way too early. I’ve had bullshit piled onto bullshit. Like the suggestion that my spouse should police my social media presence – and if you knew the posts that set that off, you’d go “Seriously?” because holy projection batman.

I had to put my own mental and physical health before anything. I’ve been in Rule 0 for a while, because of all the things that I’ve mentioned here, and more.

I’ve paused my educational goals for a while. I even stopped my creative hobbies because I just didn’t have the bandwidth for them.

I am still recovering from this, and one thing I don’t see me recovering is the fact that I’m at zero fucks given. I’ve given too many second, third and fourth chances to people in life because, well, because I wasn’t taking the advice that I should have from the late Dr. Angelou – when people show you who they are the first time, believe them.

So, while things are definitely going to change around here, I want to remind everyone that no one, absolutely no one, has the right to demand access to you. Both in real life and online. The “Take No Harm” part of what I live by means no harm to ourselves, not just to others.

Take care of yourselves friends, and I’ll see you next week.

Do No Harm

Part of protecting my peace, and bringing back into focus the Do No Harm But Take No Shit, is remembering that the “Do no harm” also includes to myself.

I have kept mostly quiet about the bullshit that was dropped into my lap, uninvited, in August 2020. Even as I installed extra security on my home, as I talked to legal folks about what I could do.

Why? Because I’ve been stalked before. I’ve lived in that terror where you don’t know what these very clearly unstable people will do.

I have endeavored hard to take the high road. Not because it makes me a better person but because I had still been dealing with a lot of internalized bullshit regarding abusive behavior from toxic people.

But, it turned out, that in this case, it was doing me more harm than good. This person is blocked from my socials. They must go looking to see anything I say, and people talked about their refusal to stop stalking, move on, and get some legit form of mental health help. A lot of them, and on condition of anonymity because they don’t want to deal with this whole ass toxic mess who has been making it her whole purpose to stalk and harass me (and my friends).

When even your therapist is saying that sometimes you need to take off the gloves and put everything in the sunlight to disinfect, it’s something.

Despite the chaos around me, I’ve never given up on trying to keep my personal peace. I’ve stayed silent before to keep the peace for others, not myself. And I found myself wondering why the fuck am I doing this for people who are hell bent on destroying me… to not rock a proverbial boat? To not cause an uproar?

I am done. The gloves are off, and I am taking no more shit from anyone.

Radio Silence

It has been a hot minute since I’ve sat down to update here, and it’s been radio silence about a lot of creative things for me.

In part, this has been because of my own health – both mental and physical. But there have been a mess of other reasons why, and it is past time to be discussing them.

So, let’s just jump into things feet first.

My health – well, that’s been touch and go since before the pandemic made things go boom. Between severe pain taking away my sleep, to just my PTSD taking away my sleep, and sleep being the thing that helps me to function within the parameters of being a “responsible adult”… It was not a good scene for a long time. Thankfully, we’ve (we – my mental health doctor, my GP/PCP and myself) have found a solution that allows me to, most of the time, get sleep on a regular basis. Now I’m working on making my back, and overall self, stronger and healthier. It’s a process, and even if I am not disclosing what is going on, there are things happening.

I’ve had a mental block on writing for a long time now. Why, you ask? Well, some of that I’ll be dealing with in an upcoming podcast and vlog. Let’s just say at minimum that stress fucks my ability to be creative. I’ve found myself wondering if I should even bother continuing. I lost my connection to my characters, and any author will tell you, that’s dead frightening. I don’t want this to be a “pity me” moment. I want this to be a moment of clarity as to the external bullshit that has been taking a toll on me since July 2020.

So, that’s how things have been going. My stress level has been, overall, going down. There have been people who have gone out of their way to make sure that I know they care, and that they have and will continue to support me. Things don’t change in situations overnight, and that is what’s going on here.

I’m trying to get back into weekly or by-weekly blogging. I’m still working out details on more things, and that will be updated soon. I promise.

I intend for this to be the end of the great radio silence – the return of a new, better Amy.

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