I’m Still Standing
I know it’s been a while, and I had hoped to get back to a regular schedule of posting here, but things don’t always turn out the way we plan, do they?
To borrow from an Elton John song – I’m still standing. Life has been throwing multiple curve balls at me, and while I’m so fucking tired, I’m still here, not going anywhere.
My therapist, at my last session, told me that “you’re still here because you’re strong, but you shouldn’t have to be this strong”. Let that sink in. You shouldn’t have to be this strong.
I’ve been pulling myself together time and again, and while sometimes it’s with just duct tape and twine, eventually I fill in the cracks that form, like the art of Kintsugi, and keep going. What people don’t see, and really don’t care to hear is the cost to self that this being strong has.
In the last five years alone – I’ve had family members diagnosed with cancer, dealt with the ongoing bullshit of a stalker who won’t fuck off, and learned that they’ve also stalked multiple friends of mine, had those family members go through cancer treatment, have my own health issues that we’re still trying to get to the bottom of (and I don’t doubt that the stress I’m under isn’t helping), and other highly traumatic things that have gone on.
While I’m still standing after allll that bullshit, I am tired friends. I am tired of being on high alert constantly, of, as I said to a close friend, that I can’t promote the creative work I do, that my entire creative livelihood has been held hostage… and so on.
I finally got back recently to projects that due to all this, I’ve had to backburner. I’m going slowly right now, because I am tired in damn near every sense that there is – but I am still going. I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to share more and more with you as things go on, because I’ve gotten to a dangerous level of lack of fucks to give – none, my fuck rations are depleted.
Until next time!