I don’t care that my life does not have a set rhythm that the rest of the working world has. I sill hate freaking Mondays. I also do not like Wednesdays as a rule. Right now I am trying to write, wrangle a toddler and keep a Siamese’s butt off my keyboard.
Yeah, I’ve got a case of the Mondays.
That is all. Also, watch Office Space.
This past week I’ve been feeling off. Just randomly crying and stressed like no one’s business without a trigger event. Today I sat down and realized that everything I was feeling was symptoms of anxiety.
Anxiety is not news to me – I’ve had some form or another of an anxiety issue since I was a wee thing, and trust me, genetics were not in my favour for this. But I have been doing well on medication for years, and this was something I didn’t expect at all.
The weather here is, well, the shits. I can’t get out and do things because it’s almost constantly raining. We had a massive thunder and lightning storm that had a strike less than a KM from our place. If you know me, you know I hate lightning. I understand the science behind it and how strikes happen, but the lizard brain, what I jokingly call the part of the brain that deals with a lot of primal emotions and such, really really is going full flight or fight mode right now. There has only ever been one drug that calmed that, and I don’t want go on it again. EVER.
So here I sit, working on mindfulness and ways I can deal with this. It would help if the effing rain would stop (I mean, it can go out west and help with the wild fires – we’re way too damp here) so I could get outside not feel like I’m trapped in boxes.
You might have noticed that I have been absent for the past bit. Haven’t been ill or the like. Just have been trying to get centered and have some me time.
I have a lot on my mind, and not the least of it is coming to terms with the fact, that no matter how I look at it, I am disabled. It does not matter what you call it – I am never going to be fully able bodied in my life again.
It is not an easy thing to wrap your head around, and society does NOT make it any easier. You can’t win. I get dirty looks for using my placard without my mobility aids (because sometimes that shortening of the distance means I can handle it), and I get dirty looks from people if I use it with my mobility aids.
Most of the time, it isn’t from people in my age group. It’s usually my parent’s age group and older. In a way I take it as a compliment, because clearly I look too young to be disabled (news flash – disability does not come with an upper or lower age limit). Seriously, folks. You can kiss my placard because my doctor has certified that I can NOT handle long distances of walking without assistance of some sort.
But, I have gone off topic again. Ah the blessings and curses of having ADHD. This me time has allowed me to get my head somewhat straightened out. I need to get more help in dealing with the pain, but in this world where 10% of people can screw over those who actually need help, I cannot get the help I need.
So for right now, I cobble together my ways of dealing with things so I can attempt to have a normal life. I am working towards actually getting things done writing-wise.
I know life is not fair, but sometimes playing on hard mode really can wear a person out.
Oh man. I have been trying to write over the last month, and somewhat succeeding.
Having gotten an infection that was pretty damn serious and then dealing with the fallout of that…. well, I’m still not back to 100% (even for a spoonie) and my body is really really not happy with me (antibiotics are hell on the body).
Of course, I hate being the centre of attention. I know, I write and I’m an introvert. Usually, it’s a job we do all on our own so that’s normally okay. But I really just don’t get people who want to be at the centre of medical attention. Munchausen Syndrome boggles the mind.
But, I digress. I was talking about writing and my mind wandered off. Thankfully I have it on a leash today.
There is something wrong with my back. I can’t stand, I can’t sit for long periods of time. That means I end up horizontal a lot, and because I have weakness in my arms that comes and goes, that means I can’t sit with a laptop even if I’m reclining.
Thankfully I have found a solution – and it’s not dictation software (because let me tell you, with a nuclear powered toddler who wants to get into everything…..) I have found that a bluetooth keyboard with my iPad Pro and some wonderful software, I have been able to write again.
Hopefully in the next few months I’ll be able to get back into writing short fiction so I can resurrect Fiction Fridays. I really do enjoy them, but I also have the problem of placing the story in the known timeline. Seriously, y’all know less than me in this (I am The Great Metal Hand In The Sky for my universe) and it drives me nuts that I can’t share everything.
Ah well. Back to the grind…. mmm… grind… coffee…
So, I have been hoping to get back into blogging for the past bit, when things were settling down, but due to some back end upgrades, some things weren’t working.
Oh. So. Frustrating.
Things are mostly back into position now, but life is also swinging in this strange and unusual way for me, so yet another layer of frustrating. Yep, right now I’m trying to destress and get back into having a somewhat workable routine, and life just smacks me upside the head.
[takes a deep breath]
Trying to concentrate on what I can fix and leave other things behind. I’m not always successful, but I am working on it. We’re all a work in progress until we die, and we need to keep learning.
But damn it, technology, why must you be so frustrating?