You think the shadow of doubt
Is hanging over my head
It’s just an angel
Whose wings hide the sun
Def Leppard – All I Want Is Everything
In life, there are sometimes when a song reaches out and touches you right down to your soul. That line has been in my head since I heard it as a university freshman. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to decide if I want to keep writing or just hang everything up, chuck it in the fuck it bucket and go on with life without the burden of trying to write. Just package it away and forget that I ever had the crazy idea to put pen to paper (fingers to keyboard) and tell a story.
Like everyone, I have self doubt. Mine has been fostered by things that I couldn’t control, and learning to build yourself up is a hard task. Over the years, I’ve worked on this doubt, and sometimes it seems that it’s all uphill like Sisyphus and his rock. Someone important to me asked me to sit down and just write why I feel the way I do. To not worry about what I was writing, but to sit, think, and see if I could find where/why/when/how and all that fun stuff.
Surprisingly (at least to me) it seems to have helped. Even if I still have that doubt, I at least have an idea where and why, and I’m going to work on getting past it. We’ve been sold this idea that progress is a straight line upwards, when it really has curves, loopbacks, three steps forward and ten back. Also, listening to that album (Slang) that reached my soul in that uncertain time, where doubt was rampant, is soothing. Thanks to this and the words of a very good friend, I think I will try to push past the doubts and keep on writing.