I’ve talked about the fact that since the early days of the year, how I’ve felt more at home, more at peace and happier. Don’t get me wrong, I still have depression. But I have learned that if I choose happiness, looking for the good in the day, while recognizing that not every day is a good day, my whole mindset changes.
Simply, to “choose happy” doesn’t erase my depression, anxiety, autism or attention-deficit disorder. But it does put me in a better, more balanced mindset.
I know I had promised an entry on healthy boundaries, but right now, I’ve been pulling packages of log files, dealing with archives, and dealing with a resurgence in PTSD thanks to someone’s borderline stalkerish behaviour. I will post the entry soon, but right now, I need to take the next week to myself and concentrate on my mental health.
Part of why I’m happy lately, despite ongoing bullshit (sorry folks, can’t really sum that up easily other than that) is that I have been making a point to write at least a few lines every day in my journal. This allows me to get out the emotions that normally I’d be acting on and usually having adverse consequences. I am keeping up with my therapy and checking in on schedule. I’ve been taking my meds, watching my physical health. I’m working on some internalized ableism regarding assistive devices. But, through all of this, I know – their bad behaviour isn’t a reflection of me. That I am responsible for my words, deeds, and reactions, and they are responsible for theirs – and if they choose to not be honest – both in supposed therapy and in life, that’s a reflection of them. And I choose happy. I don’t want to be the dour cloud, I don’t want to be the bitter old woman. I want to be the best person I can be for me, for my daughter, for my family.
Some days I need to look for the good a little harder, but if I look, it’s there.
